A Dog's Life

As I was rushing through the house this morning trying to look as if I didn't roll right out of bed and into work, I glanced over at my dogs sleeping soundly on the bed and realized, my dogs are living the dream.

Somedays I even wish that I could trade places with my dogs. Just for a month week day. 

Instead of hitting the snooze button on my alarm clock for 45 minutes before stumbling out of bed, I would sleep ever so soundly (in the middle of the bed, of course) as long as my little doggie heart desires. 

When I do decide to wake my lazy ass up, I would expect my momma to take me outside to do my business immediately. I wouldn't even care if she was half naked and frazzled trying to get dressed for work. A dog's gotta go when a dog's gotta go. 

I would then expect to eat my breakfast immediately. Don't even think about trying to brush your teeth or fix a cup of coffee before scooping out a cup of dog food and mixing just the right amount of water in it so it is soft enough for my sensitive little teeth, but no so much water that it is mushy and soggy. If my food isn't mixed just right I will sit and stare at it until my momma picks it up and fixes it. I would expect perfection every single time. 

After eating my breakfast I would jump right back up in bed before my momma has a chance to make it up. Then I will give her mean looks if she even thinks about coming close to the bed to make it up. I would continue to give her unpleasant looks until she puts on her shoes and picks up her purse. The faster she gets the hell out of the house, the faster I can begin my morning nap. 

But she better not dare walk out of that house without giving me a treat or two! 

After a long day of napping, chewing on my bone, and sunning in the window, I would expect my momma and/or daddy home not a second after 5:30. If I'm left alone a minute longer I would walk over to the door and do my business on the carpet, just for spite. 

Once someone gets home I would expect my evening walk. I wouldn't have the patience to wait for my momma to take her bra shoes off. If she insisted on changing clothes, I would bark and run crazy around the house until she is ready. Just to annoy the shit out of her. 

I would expect the perfect evening walk. Not too short, but not long enough so that I get overly parched. I would ensure my momma fully understands that I am in charge of walks, not her.

After my walk I would expect my dinner. Remember, perfect food to water ratio or I would not be satisfied. 

After such a long, hard day I would be just exhausted. I would expect my momma and daddy to sit on the couch and cuddle with me for the rest of the night. If either of them decided to leave me again to go out for a human dinner or alcohol induced evening, I would hold a grudge the rest of the night. I may even take another shit on the carpet so my momma would really get the point. 

When everyone gets ready to go to sleep I would jump on the bed and take up as much room as I could possibly manage. Don't dare try to move me. Just sleep around me, even if that means your curled up in the fetal position or one ass cheek is hanging off the bed. 

Yep. Trading lives with my dogs would be great for a day. Then I would realize that dogs can't participate in happy hour and I would want to go back to being a human. 

Speaking of happy hour, is it 5:00 yet?